Social Bonds - Building a Network of Trust

Everything is now opening up again.

And there is surely a lot on everyone’s mind.

COVID-19 has offered Autistics plenty of new opportunities for exploring beyond their shell safely from behind a screen. I have said it before, and I will say it once more: It has now been proven that a sizeable amount of a workforce can continue as employees from their homes. Social anxiety does not need to be an impediment for an individual to find a sense of belonging and meaning and to earn an income with a job that they can enjoy.

But to all Autistics, whether or not they have an anxiety disorder, I would still encourage you all to go out and to meet people and to challenge yourselves in a way that is safe for you, and that is done at your own pace. Maybe “going out” is not the right way to think about it, but there still are so, so many ways to make friends. Many Autistics want those deep friendships with others but there can be so many hurdles to struggle with along the way. Some just cannot.

No recommendations I can offer will ever be enough for every person who reads it. It will rely on the individual. But there are always some ideas to consider as a start. I believe more firmly than most things, that Autistics love deeply and that they feel deeply for their friends and people they love. But this is a world that makes it hard to form those bonds of trust between people. Sometimes getting hurt can be life-threatening. Nobody can ever say to any Autistic that this is an easy deed to get done, because even neurotypes are so often baffled by how hard it is to love and to be loved in a culture and society that glorifies interpersonal loyalty but which enables superficial connections.

Parents of children with Autism may understand. How many relationships with friends and family have suffered because the diagnoses of your children posed challenges that they did not want to stay by your side to endure? It causes me so much anger to think about and I think that it is necessary for us to be sure that we guide our children so that they are aware of how to surround themselves with trustworthy and faithful persons.

So, how does one start?

Autistics need to be honest to the core, to be themselves – only themselves, and nobody else. And what about the people who run for the hills when they see the crazy, quirky and entirely unique and free member of society?

Bugger them, really! Ask yourself seriously about what they are losing, not about what you are losing. Autistics need to have the sense of esteem to understand that there is a problem when somebody decides not to accept them. The problem is with that individual’s intolerance, and not the character of somebody who is just being themselves, but who is not conforming as they do so.

If an Autistic gets excited in public and dances, flaps their hands and stims – is it antisocial for them to be so outwardly happy? Or is it more antisocial for somebody to disparage that? Autistics are stereotyped as having social difficulties. But I have seen so many more anti-social attitudes emerge in response to Autism than I have ever seen from any person with a diagnosis of Autism.

Honesty is a start, but it is only just a start, however powerful. As much as you can, be yourself – dress how you want, not by how others expect. Express yourself how you want, not by what is expected. Flap, dance, jump, and keep moving as much as you like. Do not let the fear of being judged stop you.

And tell people if you do not like eye-contact, and that you are not being rude. If that is too much of a struggle, then be sure to stay close to a friend or familiar who can support you and maybe explain on your behalf. The same is true with handshakes, or hugging. Firmly enforce your physical boundaries.

And do not just “go-out” – where would you go to? Find a place where you can enjoy your interests. An arcade, maybe. Or a library if somewhere quieter is desirable. A park is another option, or even a small café. Anywhere you can meet to enjoy your hobby with someone else, or a group of others, is viable.

But how do you begin?

If you have few friends and are not outgoing, but want to make a start, how do you start? Being honest is a good attitude to have, but some active motion is necessary to get anywhere for those attitudes to be shared.

For those who struggle the most, try talking with someone over social media. Join a local group with people who share your interests or who are also on the Spectrum. And write to the people in it. Share stories about yourself – and be sure to keep in consideration that there is at least one thing that you really excel at, and share about it. And inquire with others about their stories and who they are. A general rule is that people like talking about themselves, and you can never fail by asking someone to tell more about themselves. And as you learn more about them, you will have more questions to ask.

When you are comfortable, you can meet with them and some others, or maybe just one person. Be sure to let them know if going out causes you anxiety, or if you need some support. If they reply, “oh, that’s silly” and refuse to understand, then do you really need such a person in your life? Begin your search again. You will find someone. And, again, do not be afraid to ask for support from this person if you, for example, went to a café but struggle to place an order, or if you needed a ride to the library, and so forth. I assure you that most people will come to like you more if you are open in where you need help, and then ask them for help.

And there are additional strategies for developing a sense of esteem and expressiveness. For example, when someone asks how your day has been (as almost everyone always does), and if you are having a bad day, then say, “Today has been challenging”, or, “I am struggling today.” Try to use words that offer the other person an option to inquire more if you do not mind sharing your struggles with them. And use this strategy a few times at an even pace and develop an idea of how people react and what improvements you can make, and how else you can personalise the strategy to your surroundings.

Also try writing a list of conversations you would like to have with people and try to have at least one of those conversations with a person per day. This will enable a sense of progression and offer you a daily objective.

Creating “to-do” lists, and goals, is a great way to record your progression and to develop a healthy sense of esteem and an enthusiastic mind. Set yourself some short-term goals. Try and find things that you would like to do one-day but that incurs social anxiety, and explore other, less scary things that you can do meanwhile to develop your confidence. Even if it is not your objective to go out and make friends, having a checklist of goals is still a healthy way to mark your progression and to give you a sense of purpose and evolution.

And, finally, and perhaps most importantly – just believe in yourself.

The truly meaningful and good things in life come through hard work. You will learn to value the people in your life and your own traits if you have put in the effort to gain them. Never believe that there is something innately wrong with you, or that you are not good enough. Rather, believe that there is a hidden potential within you, and that you just need to do enough digging and chiselling to uncover it.

©Nelle Frances 2020